Thursday, December 18, 2008

Not a dog's life....

As I opened up the blog to add the carmel recipe, Mirian's sweet, contented picture from the other night was looking back at me so ironically. Ironic, considering just how miserable she is this morning and how hard she has tried and succeeded in making me feel really rotten, too. We put on a brave front most of the time, but the truth is that we have many rough days... days when there is a lot of pain that comes out in very mean and hurtful ways. Pain that is expressed when there is a bit of stress.... like concern about whether or not you will look like everyone else while performing in the Christmas play at school, or if the whole world will know that you don't really know the song that the entire class will be playing on their recorders (earth-shattering stress when you're 13).

There are so many times that I try to just swallow it up and give my concerns over to God, and I constantly encourage Mirian to do so, too. This does usually give me enough peace to get through to the next incident, and it's a habit we're trying to build in Mirian when she's unable to talk to one of us. It's a challenge, though, for people as emotional as both Mirian and I. Sometimes, I get really overwhelmed with lots of second-guessing, regrets, and what-ifs. Was it really the right thing to bring this child out of her birth-culture in order to have a family? Will these issues amplify as time goes on? What is the future? I'm suddenly hearing my Dad's voice (which Father is it?) remind me of the Prayer of Serenity:

God, grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom
to know the difference.

Today is the last full day of school until January 5th- wish us luck! I'm putting up a picture of one of our happy-go-lucky dogs, Yoda, to remind me that having animals was never enough for me.... I really did feel called to be a mom. I guess I'll just concentrate on getting through today and Mirian's school program tonight, IF we can get her there.
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Sara said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I ask myself many of these same questions with a little different context almost everyday.
Thank you for sharing!

Dianne said...

I know for a fact that you are a great mom and you seem to have more patience than most of us would. Hang on through the trying times. Some day Mirian will realize how truly blessed she is to be your daughter.(Though I had boys, not girls, I do remember that those teenage years are a roller coaster of emotions, but they don't last forever. It only seems as though they might!)